There’s no way humanly possible I can write a douche review without being vulgar and potentially hilarious. They gave me permish to go all Julie on this one. If this will offend you and cause your eyes to set on fire, stop reading now.

I’ve had various douche conversations over the years. I make fun of people, I still laugh at the classic “Not so fresh feeling” commercial and have heard the ever famous “douching will kill your vagina” speeches dozens of times. I’m not a douche-pro but I’m sure I had some douche-tastic “Gettin’ the love-jizz cleared out from wake up sex so I wouldn’t leak jizz all day” situation but with all the scary douche talk, we all tend to just let the jizz leak out.

Then WaterWorks sent me an email saying that the FDA approved their douche and asked me if I could review it. I said yes for two reasons. First of all, I can now tell people they’re wrong since the FDA is diggin’ it and secondly, this review has brought so many new douche terms into my life I felt it was my personal obligation to share them all with you. I hyphenated all the ones I plan on using in the future (i.e. “douche-tube”).

Douchebag. It’s a classic. There are so many various ways to tell someone they’re being an asshole and calling them a douchebag is just fun. We also have the Douche-Nozzle, which most of us started using since most store douches don’t have bags and the nozzle really is the one to take the beating. Someone on Facebook tossed in Douche-Canoe, which is apparently popular somewhere but I’ve never heard it before (of course, I use it now). We have Douchebaggery for those in the process of Douching something out, D-bag and more. Some are quite vulgar actually. I Googled various douche terms and was both offended, impressed and shocked.

My only stipulation was that I have full on Julie-action in this review. I keep my review site clean unless it’s a product that I can have fun with, like my zombie killing Wii review. That means of the hundreds of reviews I’ve written, I’ve only had two that I’ve gone balls out on. This one was a must.

As you can clearly see, the douchebag is indeed a literal term we can bring back. We use it anyway but now it really exists. You can also see the douche-nozzle, clearly needed for the douching process (but they ask you to refrain from getting yourself off with it so you don’t damage your vaginal walls. They didn’t say it like that, but that’s how I interpreted it, considering the way it looks). The thought never crossed my mind. It doesn’t have batteries.

Now we can add Douche-tube to our repertoire as well. Awesome.

As for the testing, I didn’t like the douche-clamp. I probably suck at reading directions but I eventually realized you’re supposed to BEND the douche-tube and clamp it. The douchebag should then be filled up to the fill line with warm tap water (another error on my part, I filled it in the shower and I like hot showers). You then take the douche-hanger (I’m TOTALLY calling people that now) and hang it up on your shower head (as shown in the picture above).

Once you have everything set up (it really is easy, it took me about two minutes to put together and a lot of giggling), you just hop in the shower and do your thing. I like to shampoo and condition first, so I kind of deep condition while I do the other required shower stuff. I washed my face and body, shaved all recommended areas and I douched.

Okay. So I have a thing. I like to pee in the shower. We all do it so don’t lie and scoff in my general direction. If I’m in the shower and turn the water off before realizing I have to pee, I’ll immediately turn the water back on because I don’t want my clean wet ass sitting on the toilet.

I don’t know what douching is supposed to feel like, but it was like a 32 ounce pee. The douche-nozzle is just like anything else we throw on up there. Tampons, man parts, vibrators. It pops right on in and cleans out whatever it is you think you need to get rid of.

Since I had a hysterectomy a while back, I wanted to see if my reproductive cavern of darkness had any excess uterus left behind it wanted to get rid of but all appeared clear. I just stood there and felt like I was peeing (can’t say for sure if I actually was or not) and once the douchebag was empty I slipped my douche-nozzle out, rinsed it then my hair out (douche AND deep condition. There’s a bonus for ya), pretended I just filmed a douche commercial and stepped out of the shower to dry off.

Hookers would love it.

To be fair to the company without my humor dicking them around, I want to say the only flaw I had was that I didn’t get the whole clamping of the tube but that was clearly my fault. Their website has a how-to and everything along with pictures that made me giggle. Vagina’s are funny. I’ll close this out with a bit from the company to ensure they get their say, since mine is nonsense-

WaterWorks is the first and only patented and FDA-cleared douching alternative that harnesses the cleansing power of ordinary tap water and medical grade stainless steel into one remarkable odor-eliminating product. WaterWorks is a safe and effective vaginal cleansing system clinically proven through six years of research to eliminate feminine odors.

Unlike other products, WaterWorks doesn’t just mask odors and it does not upset the delicate balance of the vaginal ecosystem. Because of this, WaterWorks is recommended by OB/Gyn’s. Waterworks is the first-ever completely natural douching alternative. It is the easiest and safest product on the market and now distributed online on sites like Amazon.com and Drugstore.com. It is also reusable and no prescription is required.

The top three reasons why women who purchased WaterWorks was that it is all natural and chemical-free; they felt it was an effective solution to their problem and lastly, their doctor recommended using WaterWorks.

Our spokeswoman for WaterWorks, Dr. Donnica Moore is a well-known women’s health expert and advocate; she has done more than 650 television appearances including, The Oprah Winfrey Show, The View, and Good Morning America.

WaterWorks is gaining momentum among women as a result of its national on line marketing and TV campaign plus word-of-mouth referral, due to its extremely high owner satisfaction rate.

Check out their website: www.WaterWorksHealth.com

It’s a bidet you shove up your parts. Go for it.